Update

Feeling pretty down today... so physically and emotionally drained. Just... tired. Tired of all of it. Tired of trying to deal with all of these difficult behaviors. Tired of doing all of this diet and supplement stuff. Tired of worrying and wondering if I'm doing the right thing. Tired of having endless conversations about the same thing over and over again. Tired of feeling like I am constantly trying to talk my daughter off of a ledge. Tired of hearing little "jokes" and funny comments and just comments in general about my daughter (no one means any harm... but it can hurt sometimes. Kind of like when my mom used to say, "I can say that about my kids, but no one else had better EVER say anything like that!"). Tired of the looks I get sometimes and the way I KNOW we are being judged sometimes about our parenting and our daughter's behavior. Tired of hearing people speak in frustrated tones to my daughter. Tired of spending all of this money that we really can't afford to spend on all of this stuff. Tired of having to talk to the school and teachers so much about all of this. Tired of feeling resentful that WE are the ones going through this. It is all just... exhausting, in every way.  And I really don't get any breaks. Everyone tries to help... my husband does the best he can, our parents do the best they can... but when it comes down to it, I am the primary caregiver of my children... I am the one who is with them 12 hours a day.  This is my choice, and honestly, it's a darn good thing I have made this choice, because I'm not sure if anyone else could do it. Hell, some days even I can barely do it. Often I'm just hanging on by a thread. Not to mention that Olivia won't go with just anyone, at any time... she often has a VERY hard time separating from me. Her diet and supplements are complicated, which adds more to the mix of difficulty. I feel like I need a week to myself, by myself. OK, maybe a couple of days... just to relax, read, and sleep. I can't even remember the last time I had that. And I'm wearing down...

BUT... nothing I can really do about it. Sometimes I laugh when people say, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle," or "God chooses special people to parent special children," blah blah blah... nothing special about me, nor would there be about you if it were you going through this. You do it because you HAVE to. This is your CHILD. Your whole world. The love of your life. This baby that you prayed for and waited for. You HAVE to get out of bed every morning and do the best you can. So I do.

So now that THAT is out of the way, I have to say that I am really SO proud of my girl. She is being such a trooper with taking all of these supplements. Here is what she is taking as of today:

Morning: 2 fish oil chewable liquid capsules, 1 opened capsule of Sacchromyces Boulardii in a teaspoon of applesauce, and 1 tsp of Hyoscyamus homeopathic remedy. Afternoon: 1 tsp. of trace minerals mixed with some juice, green foods antioxidant chewables, and today we just added 1 capsule of Lithium Orotate (this is the mineral lithium, NOT the medication). I tried opening the capsule and giving it with applesauce, but that did NOT go well, so my big girl actually swallowed a whole capsule in a spoonful of applesauce! What a little trooper! Evening: Calcium chewables, multi-vitamin chewables, 2 more fish oil capsules, 1 more capsule of Sacchromyces Boulardii, (we are working up to 3 a day) 1 tsp. Hyoscyamus, and about 3.5 mg. of melatonin before bed.

GFCF diet is going well, but limiting sugars and carbohydrates is NOT going to be easy. I have a hard enough time with the GFCF diet... I don't know how I'm supposed to tell my sweet girl that she can't have some of her favorite fruits or treats. Seriously. It's just not freakin fair. I kinda sorta want the doctor to prescribe her an anti-fungal to knock out the yeast, and then try to keep it at bay with the higher doses of Sacchromyces Boulardii and ease into this kind of diet a little slower. But we shall see.

So even though I'm struggling, and preschool drop-off today was especially difficult and emotional... Olivia has been doing really well at school. And this is what is so hard for me to understand: she can have several good days... and then something happens and she has a difficult day or two. Sometimes there are triggers, sometimes there are not. But it's confusing because you would think today would have been a bad day, as she had a VERY hard time at drop-off... (major meltdown, couldn't really calm her, distract her, or redirect her... I ended up having to leave her, and watched one of her teachers carry her down the hall kicking and screaming... heart-wrenching and embarrassing, to say the least) but once that was over, she had a good day at school. And sometimes she has bad days when she goes to school in a completely normal, good mood. So I just don't get it. So much I don't understand. While there are explanations for some things... impulsivity, sensory processing issues, anxiety... there are several things that just don't have a rhyme or reason to them. One big puzzle that we are hopefully figuring out, piece by piece.